okay, so i totally suck at life. and it seems like everytime i finally remember my fucking password to this damn thing and write shit has hit the fan and chanse is like in jail or something, figures. it's my fucking lucky coincidence, eh? haha. oh well, life sucks right now. my pregnancy is going amazing now, nausea has pleasantly subsided and my only bitch is my back hurts like shit and my titties look like someone pulled the string on two inflatable life rafts, but oh well.. i can deal i guess. i just wished that my stupid was here with me, i miss him. i can't believe he got taken away from me like that and shit but once again - our luck, right? obviously. i just hope it doesn't take long to get him back. i figured i would write all this stuff i am thinking and feeling down in here so i don't get questioned fifty eleven times about "what's wrong?" and "where's you're fiance/baby daddy at?" - yeah, i'm a puss.. i wanna write about it but not answer to it, i just don't like to have to explain the same sad story over and over. i don't want people to think i'm seeking sympathy for the fact that my baby's daddy isn't around me and my pregnancy is sort of sabbotaged. i just feel sorry for baby the most, i just hope he makes it back in time to see our miracle come into this world though. i keep imagining what it would be like for the child to grow up a little and be looking through their baby book, but find no sight of those classic pictures of "daddy holding his baby." i'm so sick at my stomach over it. i hope chanse tries hard to make it back to me and doesn't settle for being stuck there longer than he has to. man, i can't remember the last time i went two weeks straight without hearing from him. i thought it was bad when he'd tell me he'd call but get sidetracked and forget when i came in for visits to tennessee to see my family, but my god. lately it's been driving me insane, but i can't let it get to me.. i've got to stay strong for this baby and for myself as well, that's what he would want of me. i guess this gives me time to get the "nest" ready for all of us, to get the baby stuff together, and the room fixed once i get my apartment. thank goodness, that part is at least sort of falling in place.. at least i hope? oh well.. i know i can do this even if it is the hardest thing i've ever had to go through. i just wished he were around to go baby stuff shopping too, feel like baby and i have been robbed, well he has too obviously.. it's not fair.. it breaks my fucking heart.. anyways, i'm going to go.. i guess i should get some lunch, aka : lunch numero uno. :) later..

well today just sucks, i miss my love so bad i can't stand it, and he's only been held for a couple hours, i just wished i had him here to lay next to me. i just took a shower, alone.. and laid down in the bed to talk to my mother and then i realized - the bed spread smells just like him.. it's depressing. today we had went home to check on my kitty that needed to be fed, and molly needed food and water, checked the mail and pulled out of the house.. as we were pulling onto the highway a cop pulled down our road, it's a country dirt road so you already know what's up, he's done came out for a reason. sure enough as he passed us on our road and we pulled out he turned around and started coming back.. so yeah, we looked at each other and already knew what was up, so now what do we do? they took him away from me.. the cop said he was originally serving him a supena to court and i guess since he was driving without license they took him into custody and are holding him.. they had a transfer sheriff van come and take him to the jail. meanwhile i had to sit for almost what seemed an hour for krystal and her sister accompanied by eli to come get me and drive our car back to 'the house', later i called the jail and they're saying he has to go before the judge tomorrow morning before they will be able to process him and get him a bond set so i can bail him out, i'm friggin distraught, meanwhile i gotta try to stay strong and not be depressed because i gotta think about my baby growing inside of me.. ugh! it's just so friggin frustrating you know?.. i miss him.. i'm going for now... enough said..

ps. got fired from my job because of absences due to pregnancy related sickness just yesterday, there's a lawsuit..

pps. when it rains it pours, eh?..



(insert pretty signature here, yet again.. idc..)

ok so i figured since i got a few minutes before my honey walks through the door from work, i would update this thing.. i guess i get to start by saying i'm proudly accepting the fact that i'm gonna be a mommy come next year. i kinda figured this much, i called the symptoms! it went from "mmm, i wanna eat everything in site", go to the gas station to get tuna and ritz crackers.. oh and.. chocolate too, to "blahhgghhechh!, is it possible, really.. to vomit your insides completely out??!." yes, it's been an interesting roller coaster holding me hostage to ride, but now after two trips to the er to get an iv served up to my poor now bruised arm, blood work, "here, pee on this." etc, i'm glad to say that i've gotten a heck of a lot better.. :)

so like this week since i've not been getting sick it seems that i've got the hunger of a wild bear, because i have been making crazy trips to the gas station or walgreens (since they're 24 hour) to get random food that i just insist myself i just got to have, lol. the past two days i'll eat and then an hour later my stomach is growling again, i don't get it.. i'm gonna have a chunker huh? lol.

other than that, things have been going pretty good with my love, i thought for a minute things were seeming as though they were gonna fall apart, a little rocky and hectic, but we're pulling it together because we both realize we're perfect for each other, we could never live without each other as much as we're totally convinced it's hella impossible for us to live with each other, but we both love each other more than anything and think that i've got the missing link to what the other women didn't have.. meaning that maybe this will work and we can both have what we never thought we've had before, true family, something that he has wanted all along, i guess it explains why he has four children, lol. (speaking of which we're hoping but pretty much expecting to have a little girl, aka : miss, aaryohna maleia maly! :) hehehe - stoked!).

welp, i better get off of here before he comes in and thinks i've done exactly what i really have... set here being a nerd working on html and whatnot on the computer all day for hours at a time, shh! hehehe, bye for now anyone that bothers reading about my endlessly interesting life (like one? sniffles.. lol).

(insert pretty signature and stuff here, too lazy..)

ok so i dont exactly feel like making this shit all pretty, im pretty sure i justve lost my touch considering its been forever and a friggin decade since ive been fortunate enough to be on a pc long enough to do this type of shit, so here i go..

well, im still in bumfucked middle-of-nowhere, more-cows-than-people, OK. im close to getting married, and got some other stuff going on too but just not for sure so playing it by ear, but im pretty damn stoked! i love my punk.. :)need i say anymore my friends, its sad and yes your guy friends frown on you having a guy because they all wanna bang you silly, but its life.. even the ones that feel that they are not worthy/fortunate to find love again, do after quite some time. besides id rather piss a couple of people off as to be alone and be depressed when i can have a wonderful significant other to live and grow with? (hey, even if occasionally we grow a wild hair and wanna choke eachother out, but thats any love.. rough love to be exact. but i love it also, so chyeah nucca!).

anyways, i just recently got a new job, ill be making like a dollar twenty five more than my man, hehehe! working in an office, taking phone calls, etc all that shit. which is pretty pimp! (not to mention conveniant at the moment given the current happenings, so im not complaining a whole lot, you know?).

well i guess thats enough about my life, probably a little more than i usually mightve mentioned before, but this is the end im afraid.

the end,

EVERYONES FAVORITE LITTLE CLOWN,
-Asphyxiashun (AKA : Jade)

                    ok so, it's fucking seven thirty in the morning, and i have no idea why i'm awake. i crawled out of bed, got some munchies (cause i'm a poor depressed kiddo), and went all the way down the damn stairs to go use the ladies room. meanwhile, my little friend hideaway brian is t.k.o. in the bed curled up like a little fetus, lmfao. i was myspacing it for a little bit, but that got old considering that most people (unless they're straight corporate and serious about it) aren't up at such an ungodly hour and all.

here lately like i said before and i'm restating it, things have been a hell of a lot better. i finally hustled my way into getting my valentines outfit so i can look sexie for my man! the green demon took me to go buy my bus ticket yesterday - which was hella dope! and i already got my love his card and i'm starting on buying "props" for our yummy hotel fun (haha, i sound like a ho, but you know what.. when you don't want someone tripping out thinking you're getting murdered because you're having awesome porn star style status sex, then hotels work! #217 bitches! ahah).
and the next project of mine before i head back out is to get my hair cut and dyed, and get my brows waxed.. cause i wanna look wayyy better than i did in my last days when i was in enid.. that's for damn sure. all that drama had me looking like a broke down chick, and that's definitely not my thang at all! ):

i guess latest updates on everything else would be.. uhm, the day before yesterday i went and hung out with insiniak (shawn), the green demon (justin), and i forget wtf his nickname is supposed to be sure shock? lmfao oh well, his name is fucking bobby.. i guess we finally squashed most of the beef we had going on.. (i wont even go there on it though). it was cool, we just smoked and did some beer bongs and then the rest of the night was pretty much consumed in them playing fucking video games, which is perfectly not boring and/or annoying if i am playing as well, lmfao. and lastnight, since insiniak was t.k.o 'd all day and i got depressed really bad all of a sudden, brian came to get me and on our way home, we got pulled over on fucking wilcox right near his fucking house. i was perfectly peachy until a second piggy rolled up and parked behind his little friend and then when the main one came to talk to brian the second one was outside of my door for some fucking reason.. it was making me sorta nervous even though i'm used to dealing with them, but lastnight in particular would've not been sucha good thing, lmao. me and my surprises, yes!

and i guess since this is what this thing is made for, maybe i should share a little bit randomly of what i have been having on my mind lately. i guess it just sucks when you care about someone so much that it sucks because most of the time you spend missing them so bad it hurts because situations make it to where you barely speak to them, so by the time you get to you're dumbfound and don't really have anything wonderful to talk about, but yet you wanted to so bad in the first place.. then it becomes frustrating when that person has minutes on their phone, you try to talk to them via phone call or text and they don't answer or won't reply back to the text and simply state that they're busy and can't talk yet but give you the reassurance that they're thinking of you as much as you are thinking of them and can't wait to hear from you later on when they've got the chance.. don't you just hate it when you think things and know you can open up to that person but don't for some reason because even though it's not that big of a deal (what your concern is) and it's not unreasonable - yet you feel as if it would be to them, so you just don't say anything at all.. and then you spend the rest of everyday wanting to share your thoughts, that so inevitably stay trapped within your mind.. and in all.. you play it off to yourself that you're cool with it.. yeah what kind of open-minded and outspoken chick am i? right? geez.

alright, well it looks like this is the part that i end this one, because i can't seem to think of anything else that i really wanna write about, i know i'm retarded.. but until next time!

the end.

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE LITTLE CLOWN,
-Asphyxiashun (AKA : Jade)

                    alright, so i did try to post an entry early as hell this morning from charlie's blackberry phone, but i'm guessing since it's not exactly showing up, then it didn't work out too well, i'm not to worried about it either. not a whole hell of a lot has been going on. pretty much i hung out with cory cali and ums and they ended up getting into it sometime after we went to the "awful waffle." apparently cory thought it'd be a good idea to head butt ums when they were fucking around and he head butted him in the eye, and it pissed him off. so he told him to go somewhere or he would take him home, and i guess he got embarassed because ums kinda flung him on the ground. i didn't exactly know what the fuck was going on at this point, but cory took off walking down the fucking street and i called and he said he was walking home and he'd scoop me if he could later on, well the next day i finally heard from him and he had gotten picked up by the cops and arrested, he said his dad had to bail him out, but i'm not really sure. i haven't heard from him since that..

finally after two/three days at ums crib, he brought me back to my casa. i laid around for a little while, and i was supposed to go with mom to her meeting that she had cause she didn't wanna be alone with her ride (her license finally got taken as well), so i stayed up all night, got bored here and figured id go hang out with charlie, so i did that. we just watched rush hour three and smoked a few bowls outta the bong. then i had him drop me off at the asian market to get picked up by my moms ride. ended up passing out at his house while mom was in her meeting and then going out to get mexican food afterwards, which would've been good if i hadn't have scalded my taste buds on the cappuccino that i had gotten to wake my grouchy non-sleeping vampire-zombie ass up.. but dudes crazy fucking driving kinda screwed that one.. fucker!

ok so, mom doesn't go to jail until february eighteenth, which is good for her. but they're giving her twelve hundred dollars in fines, one year probation, three years suspension of her license, and four months jail time.. that sucks balls! they said it'd been worse if she hadn't went to those gay classes she went to. they said they originally would've kept her for eight to ten months instead.

other than that, i got my skrilla for my bus ticket, gonna go buy it whenever. now i'm on a strategy to get my money situation figured out for extra stuff, like my food for the first little while i'm back in town, and for valentines day. if i work shit out, it'll truly be a blessing, cause.. i need this. everyone that was supposed to be helping me kinda flaked on me. i'm having to start selling and pawning things, sucks! but i'm gonna go for now, thanks for hearing me ramble.. i need fucking sleep! baddddddddd.. pfto muchly? thought so.

the end.

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE LITTLE CLOWN,
-Asphyxiashun (AKA : Jade)

                    so, i'm still awake.. it's three in the morning.. and i've said for like forever now that i was going to kill this addiction of sitting up all night on stupid myspace and other sites of that nature being a complete nerd, which is causing too much trouble than it's worth apparently because i'm beginning to feel much worse than a zombie vampire chick, lmao. but oh well, it happens.. right?

nothing too eventful has happened lately, other than the other night i went out to the hideaway with (hideaway) brian of course and his friend chris, they of course were being lame beer drinkers - considering that i don't exactly have an id right now to do so as well, which sucked cause i was 'jones-ing' for one, but we did go outside several times for some swills of jack daniels and that's always a plus. there were some pretty lame bands that played.. one of them sounded like "every reason why someone would be glad they didn't have a radio in their car' lmfao, one of them had a dope name "the skeleton peckers" rofl, and the most decent one was so random and kinda lame that they were good.. their set consisted of a pull whistle, a bass, drum set, a fischer price xylophone, a saxophone, and a harmonica - pretty bitchin' right? i sure thought so. they were so awesomely random that among the bands that i could think of as they played that reminded me of them were primus, the giants, and i forget the other one.. ugh! lol. after the show we talked to them, and apparently a buncha other people have mentioned before that they also got reminded of primus when they played, that's fucking dope. after the show we went to krogers to get brews cause i was craving some mickeys wide mouthes (even though all they had were 24's, but hey.. it's cool with me.. goes down the same). then after that on the way to drop chris off they pissed on their old house - hahahaha.. i contemplated on doing the four finger piss technique.. (rofl, don't ask, i know i'm so tmi with things, but alas idc) but i didn't feel like freezing my ass off literally, cause guys get the advantage of not having to pull their pants all the way down, and besides.. it's not like i was seeking revenge with the situation like they were. anyways, me and brian ended up coming back here to his house and sitting up for a little while but not drinking the beer (it's still sitting in the damn floor), had to vacate the place because of reasons i don't think i'll post.. haha seriously, that'd be wayyy tmi. we went to wally world and bought random stuffs.. then came back here and slept all fucking day as usual.

other than that, i think it pretty much sums up the day and life of me. i guess it's time to start the day, i've sat up all night and plan on being up all day, i'm really not so sure how i'm gonna manage, but i gots shit to do.. so i'll have to.

ps. there was a dead bird outside, i was having coffee and a morning square, and decided to poke it with a stick, we thought it was a regular kodak moment, so i got a picture of it, i'll post it later for shits and giggles.

the end.

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE LITTLE CLOWN,
-Asphyxiashun (AKA : Jade)

                     alright, so i really don't know what i'm gonna write about.. so i'm just gonna wing it.. nothing new has happened, i finally went and hung out with umms and cory california because they kept calling me to get me to come out, so i finally stopped pretty much living at hideaway brian's house, hahaha.. yeah, my nicknames that i give people to remember who's who are just so fucking hilarious. other than that, i went to captain d's to eat with the parentals, and this chick my ex is friends with - kayla, was working, along with my other exes mom, and this other chick heard me talking to mom about how i needed to get a temporary job so i could work up extra money for my trip back to oklahoma. and so she put grabbed me an application and put her name down as a reference, i went to the interview today at eleven. the manager chick is gonna talk to the other manager chick and i guess they're gonna call applebees and talk to jamie about me, then figure out whether they can give me my thirty five to fourty hrs that i wanted per week.. i guess thats cool..? also, my mom is getting her bitch to pay for my ticket, thank goodness.. so i don't have to depend on anyone else to take care of it.

i think it's pretty sad that when i go to write in this damn thing, i'm trying to think of what i wanna post about, but the only thing that is going through my mind right now is wondering what my love is doing and whether he's still feeling as shitty as he says he has been lately. i hate it when he gets sick, even though i've not been around long enough to really witness it much, but it being one of the first times and hearing about it, it makes me feel shitty.. and there's really nothing i can do about it pretty much, but more so since i'm here and he's there. i got about fifteen more days until everything will be all better, just right before i gain myself another problem, cause you know in this world it's one thing after another, if it's not one then it's another. but i'm hella used to it now, so life can so throw whatever the fuck it feels like whenever it feels the need.

but yeah, i really can't think of shit else to write about, it must suck for those of you.. if any.. are reading this on a daily basis, because i appear to be a fucking rockstar on myspace, sucks for you! cause i'm just an average chick, with a non-thinkable mind at the moment.. therefore i cannot post.. bleh.. shoot me please? (: i'm done with this shit!

the end.

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE LITTLE CLOWN,
-Asphyxiashun (AKA : Jade)

                      well, i figured since i haven't posted anything in a few days that i probably should. i guess the starting point should involve the good news that i just got not too long ago.. i'm moving back to enid with my boyfriend finally!! i'm pretty stoked about that. my homie heath back in town sent me a message and we talked about it.. he had offered me a place to live before when my so-called friends were flaking on me about living situations when the apartment went to shit. i guess he kicked his other roommates out cause his homies girl was being a bitch, and so that room is open now, which has a bed.. so i won't have to worry about sleeping on popped air mattresses anymore. (: i plan on getting a job here in the next few days and working it without telling them i'm gonna bail in two and a half weeks and make my skrilla for a bus ticket to okc, then i'm getting picked up there. so things have sort of been looking up for me, i never thought in a million years that things would get so easy, but they just did and i'm so fucking excited it's rediculous. the only thing that might be a minor problem will just be getting a ride to and from work for two weeks.. i don't exactly have my license at the moment or transportation of my own, so it might be tricky but i might be able to find a friend or quote-un-quote family member to help me out, which would be dope of them, lol.

other than that, here lately i've been watching cheesy horror flicks with my homie and binging on popcorn and candy, which is always fun. plotting on ways to break into an old abandoned hospital like thirty minutes from where i live, many would know by name that is why i'm not even going to go there.. but yeah, were gonna totally make like ninjas up in that bitch one of these days, just gotta go scope it out a bit during the day time until someone catches us, and then we might have a success on getting in. someone said that the white boards on the windows are rather thick so it would possibly take an axe, so were going to have to find an alternative. and also, i've been binging on old eighties and nineties videos (which i'll list one below i found on youtube.com) i absolutely love the sex appeal in this one.. so it belongs in my post, hahaha.

but i'm gonna go shower, get pretty, and possibly post some more pictures on the space. so until next time, remember.. peace, love, and titties! i'm gone.

the end.

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE LITTLE CLOWN,
-Asphyxiashun (AKA : Jade)




(gotta love this shit, point made.) <3

                      well, i'm getting ready to go out even though it is hella later than i wanted to be up and get things done, but i'm gonna go out to get applications so i can get a job. i was out in the grocery store and noticed the valentines day decorations and it hit me.. "holy shit!!! it is february next month, that means.. valentines fucking day!!! NO!!!" and i proceeded to get all stupidly emo, so i've decided that instead of being alone on valentines day like i am every year, which did used to be an honor for john (leaving it open for him, buying myself a rose, and sitting home doing nothing) but i don't intend on doing that when i do have a significant other. 1,083 miles away or not, i will have a good one this year.. so i'm going to go out, get a job for a temporary amount of time, and i'm going to get myself a round trip bus ticket (since i unfortunately can't just stay there at the moment, due to current situations) and i'm going to visit my man for a week or week and a half or so.. i can't fucking wait.

other than that, i'm glad to say that.. with having so much drama out of a "so-called" friend that couldn't handle the fact that i'm not going to just drop my life and be with someone that can't even get their fucking shit together, and i don't really think i could ever see them as an intimate person like that.. i finally ended the melodramatic fuss.. i love whenever no one else can take control, and then you realize that.. in fact.. "if you want something done (the right way), do it yourself." words have never been so true, and i find that out more and more with each day i wake and breathe, haha..

well, i'm off for now, i'm procrastinating as usual, and that'll never get things done..

the end.

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE LITTLE CLOWN,
-Asphyxiashun (AKA : Jade)

                      it really sucks that i'm stuck here missing someone as usual, i wished that i could be like every other person and get to be around the one that i wanna see 24 fucking 7, cause it's not fair. i never thought i would miss such a place of misery, boredom, and drama - but i do and i wanna go back as soon as fucking possible because tennessee fucking blows assholes.

anyways, i guess by my lucks.. i'm gonna go out and have me some jack and coke with an old friend i met a while back, possibly drink a few brews and kick back and relax - finally have that r&r i had planned on forever and a million days ago. "god" knows that i'm sick and fucking tired of stressing out and being depressed but at the same time it tends to grow on you after quite some time. but i'm going to run along now and hop myself into a steaming shower, pretty myself up, and go enjoy a drunken stupor.

the end.

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE LITTLE CLOWN,
-Asphyxiashun (AKA : Jade)